Agency

The amazing blessing of agency has been on my mind a lot lately. Through this trial I am learning the importance of this gift that we all have. We have, in our power, the opportunity to make any decision and perform any act that we desire. Every moment of every day we use our free agency.

Sadly, in the past, I used my free agency to make bad decisions. I used this God given power to give in to the temptations of the world. Did God send some angel to me to stop me from making these decisions? No. That is why this gift is so POWERFUL. God allows us to make decisions for ourselves. He will send his spirit, he will make attempts to help us make the right decision, but it ultimately comes down to us. Thankfully, because of God's immense love for me, I have made the choice to follow him. Was it the easy choice? No it was not. It would have been easier to give up, to give in, to allow Satan to completely destroy me. It would be easier not to face this head on, not to repent, not to allow pain and anguish to fill my soul. It would be easier to run away and fill my life with worldly pleasures and cover up how I truly feel. It would be easier to blame someone else, be angry and bitter, and give in to the relentless attack from the adversary on my mind and soul. It would have been easier to give in to the naysayers, the put downs, and the condemning words of others. But I got on my knees, pleaded with God for his help, and have made the hard decision to change. I will tell you that as soon as you use your agency to make the decision to change something negative about your life, the Lord will manifest himself to you in ways you never thought possible. It is hard work and oh man is it painful. You will struggle and fight. You will sink to the depths and rise to the top. But your agency will have been used for good and you will begin to see change. Change that is essential. Change that is eternal.

I have a long road ahead of me still. I have obstacles on my path that will still test all of my spiritual and mental strength. My path to change is not an easy one. But it is worth it. It is so worth it. When I held my kids and squeezed them tonight I felt a love inside of me that changed me just a little more. When I took an experience that happened this week that could have set me way back and caused me immense pain, I faced it with hope and faith and I changed a little more. That's what using your free agency for good can do for you! I know that God is ready and willing to bless us as we use our agency to follow him and his Son. Anything is possible with the Savior. Anything. But we have to be willing to use our agency to make the right decision and face whatever it is that we have in front of us. No matter how hard it will be, it is always worth it to use our agency to make the right decision.

I know that God loves each and every one of us. He loves us so much he allows us to have our own free agency so that we can learn to rely on him to make the right decisions. And when we use that gift to make bad decisions, big or small, we can use that same gift to make the decision to follow the Savior and repent and change. Don't be afraid to take that step. Learn from my mistakes and make the decision NOW to change. Don't wait. More happiness is waiting for you. Your Heavenly Father is waiting for you. Change is waiting for you.

Someday, somehow, we will understand why things happen the way they do. We will understand why we have gone through certain trials or had certain experiences. We will have a clear understanding. In the mean time our free agency is a gift we can all use to do what is right, no matter how hard, and find peace and happiness in a world of turmoil and anger. I know this to be true.

Prepared

It seems as though there are many times in life when we have a great experience or blessing and it is followed by hardship. That has happened to me a lot over the past months. My great experiences would probably seem small to some people but for me they have been life changing. But it never fails that the adversary will follow these great experiences with a relentless attack on my heart and mind. Feelings of hopelessness and despair try to overcome me. Typically in the form of mind games. If I am not careful Satan and his lies can have an effect on me. That is why it has been so important that I am prepared for when this happens. There have definitely been times that I have not been as prepared enough or have allowed those thoughts of hopelessness to overcome me for a time. But I am learning from that and I am becoming better prepared.

These past couple days have been one of those times that I haven't prepared myself as well. It is hard, when you are going through a trial, to constantly be positive and upbeat. We will inevitably have some down days. But if we are prepared we will be able to overcome and move forward in our process. There are many things we can do to be prepared but I believe that the most important thing is having faith in the Savior that he can heal, change, and help you in whatever trial you are facing. We all face trials. We all feel the strain of sadness, fear, and uncertainty at times. I know that if we prepare ourselves with the Savior will can overcome anything that comes into our lives. Especially those difficult mental battles that come our way after special spiritual experiences. The fight for our souls is real and we can win with the Savior.

Decisions

This week I have been in South Dakota with my kids visiting my brother and his family. Yep, South Dakota in the dead of winter. Exciting stuff. His boy is going to be baptized today and we are looking forward to a special experience. I have enjoyed the time with my kids and we are bonding. I am grateful for family and for the good influences I have around me. I love being a dad.

I have been thinking a lot about decisions lately and how they effect our lives. Not so much the big decisions but the little ones along the way. Some decisions are so small we don't even realize we are making them. But they can have a long lasting effect on the outcome of our lives. I think it is safe to say that I have made some bad decisions. These bad decisions have lead to a lot of sadness and sorrow. But what I have noticed is that these bad decisions that I made have been the accumulation of many smaller bad decisions. Each day as we wake up and face the world we have a positive influence sitting on one shoulder and the negative influence on the other. Sometimes I like to literally picture that as I go throughout the day making decisions and fighting for what is right. We are constantly being bombarded with temptations from the negative influence. Constant whisperings try to lead us astray. If we are not careful, we can be lead down the wrong path by listening to these whisperings and making smaller bad decisions that will lead to eventual big ones. I am learning this lesson the hard way and I am hoping that my good decisions in the future will change the course of my life. I know that it is possible and that we will be blessed for our good decisions.

President Thomas S. Monson of the LDS church has said that "decisions determine destiny". The decisions we make everday will determine the outcome of our lives. I believe this to be true. The amazing thing about repentance and the need for a Savior is that no matter the decisions we have made in the past, we can change the course of our lives. We can make the right decisions. We can change who we are through consistently making right decisions.

I am grateful for my nephew and his good decision to be baptized today. I am grateful for his example to my kids and that we will all be able to witness this experience together. I hope and pray that my good decisions in the future will lead to what I desire most in this life. I pray that my good decisions will have a positive influence on my kids and on the people who I love. Let's decide now to make good decisions for the future.

Reality

When you come home at the end of a night to an empty home and no one to greet you, reality can really set in. I just went on a "date" with my precious 4 year old daughter. We went to dinner and to see Tangled (great movie by the way). We have a special connection and we talked and laughed and really enjoyed each others company. She told me that even when she is big enough to be a babysitter and a mommy she will always be my little girl :) It was a very special night. But coming home to an empty house is very hard. No matter what, the reality of what has happened is waiting for me every night I walk through the door. Every morning I wake up it is there waiting for me to remind me of what I have lost. Every waking hour, my mind haunts me with reality.

I'm not trying to be a downer by saying this but more than anything I am trying to face reality with the best attitude I can. My reality is something I can't change right now. The only thing I can do is take life one day at a time and try my hardest to make the most of it. If I can consistently make good choices and have true change in my heart, my reality will get better. Our actions determine our destiny. The Lord is eager to bless those that are obedient, even when our decisions in the past have been contrary to his law. We are allowed to suffer consequences so that we will learn and grow how we need to. And if we truly want to change, it will become our reality.

Sometimes it is hard to overcome the feelings of loneliness. Being alone can be one of the most challenging experiences in life. Especially when people you love are no longer with you. You really have to try and focus on feeling the Lord's love in your life and searching out his blessings. We are never alone and this I am sure of. The Lord is very active in your life. The adversary is very active as well so it is so important we keep our minds and hearts fixed on Savior and his teachings.

There are so many things I wish I could say or do that would immediately change my reality. So many things I want to say to people I love. How I wish I could have certain people see into my heart. But I have to trust in the Lord and do everything I can to make my reality the best it can be. I believe that if we want something bad enough and if we work hard enough for it, it will become our reality.

The struggles along the way will shape us into the people we want to be.

New Year

This year we will be studying the New Testament in Sunday School. The LDS ward that I am a part of is like another family for me, so being able to learn about the Savior's life with them is a very rewarding experience. They have all been through many trials and their wisdom and understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ has played a big role in my healing. I am grateful to the amazing people in my ward.

This year I will be trying to focus on the tender mercies of the Lord in my life and in the life of those around me. I am often beating myself up over the things that I have done and the pain I have caused. My mind torments me with reminders of my mistakes and of my family I have torn apart. I often feel as though I can never be forgiven and that the damage I have caused is not repairable. Thankfully, a loving Savior is helping me to realize that those thoughts are not coming from him and that they just aren't true. The Savior allows you to feel the pain and guilt necessary for change, but he also allows his immense love to show itself in your life and to help you feel peace and happiness. I thought that it would be impossible for me to feel any happiness because of what I have done. But, through the the tender mercies of the Lord, I have been able to feel peace and joy amidst the anguish and despair. It is amazing how well the Savior knows us and how active he is in each of our lives. We just have to be able to really focus on it so that we can recognize it.

My trial, and any trial for that matter, is not easy. I am battling it every day. I am on a road to recovery that is filled with obstacles. There are many influences every day that could either drag me down or build me up. But one thing that I have noticed that has helped more than anything is letting Heavenly Father know that you are willing to change and that it is your true desire. Just acknowledging that is a HUGE step. If you are struggling with a personal trial, the first step is acknowledging it and then truly having the desire to change. If you are struggling with a trial that was not brought on by yourself, then acknowledging that you want to make it through the trial and that you can't do it without the help of your Savior will do wonders for you. That simple acknowledgement will open up the floodgates for the Spirit to work miracles in your life and help you through anything. Saying this is the easy part. Putting it into action can be very difficult. I know that it can be done and I have seen many tender mercies from the Lord because of it.

I know that we have a Savior that lives and that his Atonement can help heal anything that is going on in our lives. I know that when we take the step to try and turn our lives over to him we will see and feel his love abundantly. I have a long ways to go in my trial and many more obstacles to overcome. But I know that the Savior can ease our burdens and bring us much needed peace. In a talk by Elder Scott, he said that the Atonement can help you "start over again and change your course from a downward, twisting, disappointing path to a superhighway to peace and happiness." That is very comforting and I know that it is true. Here's to a new year and new opportunities to change, grow, and become better.