Gratitude

During trials like this, it can be hard to find things to be grateful for. Well, I should say, it can be hard to overcome the negative and the pain to be able to recognize the things to be grateful for. Thankfully we have Christmas to help us out with this. I would like to share a couple experiences with you.

The company I work for helped out with some Sub For Santa families this year. I volunteered to deliver gifts to one of the families. They were a hispanic family and I figured it would be a good opportunity for me to brush up on my spanish and to serve others. I invited a good friend from work to go with me and we delivered the gifts late Wed. night. It ended up being one of those tender mercy experiences as we sat in their home and talked about the hardships they were going through and how blessed they felt to receive the gifts for their children. They were very humble and grateful people. One thing that stuck out to me was this couple's attitude. Amidst the struggle of losing their business and having no money, they were humble enough to be grateful and enthusiastic about the future. It allowed me to take a look at my own life and see the tremendous blessings I have. If I were to take just five minutes and write down the blessings I have, I would have pages and pages of them. Although my personal situation is extremely hard and painful, I have been trying to focus on the positive and recognize the blessings in my life. This has helped me a lot over the past week. When you focus on the positive you will be amazed at what you see. You recognize more. You are more grateful. It sustains you through difficult times.

I saw Christmas in a new light this year and I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with certain experiences. Time and time again through my trial the Lord has let me know that he is there and he is watching over me. He is allowing me to learn and feel what I need to but he is also sending me tender mercies to lift me up and allow me to push forward.

I feel so much guilt for my actions. I have caused so much pain to people I love dearly. I am trying everything in my power to change. The burden, at times, feels as though it will drown me. But amazingly, and without fail, the Lord has shown me he is there and he cares so much for me and those I love. And usually it comes through him helping me to recognize his tender mercies and to be GRATEFUL for them. I was blessed with a few Christmas "miracles" this year that I know without a doubt were direct blessings from a loving Heavenly Father. I know he listens to and answers our prayers. I know that he is a compassionate and loving God who is waiting for us to come to him.

I am grateful for our Savior and Redeemer who came to this world as a sacrifice. He is our Mediator. It is only through his Atonement that we can all can truly be forgiven, healed, and return to God's presence. I know this to be true. If I only I had kept this testimony close enough to my heart I may have avoided the situation I am in now. Never let your guard down. Don't think for a moment that Satan has stopped trying. Keep the Savior close to your heart and mind at all times. I plead with you to avoid the pain and anguish by deciding beforehand to never let Satan overpower you.

If any of you are struggling with something right now, go to your knees and ask for help to recognize the blessings in your life and go forward with a grateful heart and attitude. Ok, I have rambled on enough. Make tomorrow a grateful one. Merry Christmas.

Time

This weekend I came down to St. George with my sister and her family. I brought Hallie and Ty with me. It has been enjoyable so far, especially for the kids. The kids and I have really been able to bond lately and they are a great strength to me. Obviously, I have put them in a very confusing situation and they have been handling it amazingly well. I am just trying to be the best I can be as a father and I am praying for the best and for the will of the Lord to manifest itself in our lives. I have hopes and dreams for my family but I know the Lord is in charge. All I can do is my best.

Situations like these take time. I have caused pain to people I love. One person in particular I love so much, and only time will tell. I am learning to try and take it one day at a time and do my best to WIN each day. In all reality, the only thing I can control is myself. Whenever you put yourself out there and come clean, there will obviously be a lot of backlash. Yes, if you make bad decisions, people will be hurt. You will inevitably suffer the consequences of your actions. It will be a long, painful, almost unbearable process to reclaim what you have lost and to get back to where you need to be. I have a long ways to go in this process still. But I will say this: IT IS WORTH IT. The time is now. If you are struggling with anything, large or small, get it out and start reclaiming your life. Although it is extremely painful and uncomfortable, you will feel empowered as you come clean and begin to change your life. Your Heavenly Father and loved ones are ready and waiting to help in the process. I cannot deny the love I have felt from Heavenly Father. He is so aware of me and He wants to bless and strengthen me. You will be amazed as you see the hand of the Lord in your life.

Is this the hardest and most difficult thing I can imagine? Is it a struggle that challenges me to the point of giving up? Can the temptations of addiction, thoughts of losing my family forever, pain of guilt, feelings of sorrow, and complete desperation, bring me to the breaking point? The answer is YES. But it brings me to my knees and is allowing for true change to happen. And like I said before IT IS WORTH IT. I don't know what the future holds but I know that through my honesty, obedience, and complete reliance on the Savior, everything can be made right again. TIME..........

Patience

Tonight is one of those nights I just can't get to sleep. So much on my mind. The battle that is waging inside my head is usually exhausting. But tonight it is keeping me up so I decided to write a quick post.

Patience is a virtue that I have trouble with. I am learning quickly that my time table for life is way off. I am struggling with an addiction that requires patience to overcome. I am facing a trial with my family that is so difficult I wish I could fall asleep until it was over. But what good would that do me? What would I learn? I know that I need to learn patience and put my complete trust in God. I have my hopes and desires that I plead with the Lord about every day. But more than anything I need to pray for patience and trust in the Lord. Patience allows us to endure our trials. Patience allows us to change. I pray everyday that I may be able to change and be the man that I know I can be and that those who love me need me to be.

I know that that God is watching over all of us. His son Jesus Christ suffered not only for our individual sins, but every temptation and trial we will ever have. How comforting is that! We just need to bear our trials with patience. And hope that the atonement can and will heal.

I will never give up. I will push forward. I have what it takes. I hope and pray those to whom I have caused pain may feel comfort in the Savior. I hope that someday, somehow, things may be restored through the atonement. I looked at Hallie and TyTy's faces today and I felt a deep sense of love and an inner desire to be the best I can be. Patience is the key..........

Faith

Faith helps me just get out of bed in the morning. If I didn't have faith my depression, guilt, pain, and sorrow would overcome me and I feel as though I literally would be destroyed. I am in the middle of a major "storm" right now. My actions have caused me to lose everything I hold dear to me and everything I have ever wanted. My faith in Jesus Christ is allowing me to weather the storm the best I can and still be able to function. My faith gives me hope that one day everything can be made right.

If our trials and hardships are self-inflicted, brought on by others, or those of a physical nature, faith is essential to our survival. I have learned recently that it is important for us to have faith in the attributes of God. He is merciful, long suffering, eager to forgive, loving, and true. He has the power to heal. If we have faith in and truly believe in these attributes we will be able to have complete faith in God. Our faith will be unwavering. We will know Him. It is getting to that point that is difficult. We all have weaknesses and struggles we are dealing with that Satan uses to destroy our faith. One of my problems for a long time was being convinced that I wasn't good enough for God. So I avoided Him. This was a lie and a cunning ploy from Satan. God loves us all and wants us all to come to him with our problems. He wants us to rely on Him. Our faith in Him allows us to do that.

To anyone who may be struggling, let it out. Talk to someone. Get help. Pray to a God that loves you. Holding it inside like I did will do you no good. You will cause yourself and others extreme pain and you will only be left with the faith and hope you can somehow get back what you lost. Honesty and faith is the answer.

The Storm

Just like the weather I have been able to predict fairly well when a "storm" is on the way lately. For some reason I feel like the next couple months will be especially stormy. This past weekend threw a lot of obstacles at me. Satan is very aware of my attempts to change and is trying with his might to distract me and keep me bound. My mind is his main tool. If he can get negative thoughts and feelings into my mind, he knows that he can more easily persuade me to go off course. It is a constant battle that is exhausting. I believe that as I grow stronger and win these battles, his strength will weaken. But, for now, I am faced with these battles every day. This battle can be won, but it will be the battle of my life.

My addiction is one of secrecy and fear. As a young boy, due to circumstances, secrecy became a part of me. I was afraid, didn't want anyone to know, and I felt worthless. The more I kept it inside the easier it became. Little did I know at the time, Satan was playing a major role in this and had his goals in mind. I share this because with any addiction or negative habit, I believe very strongly that Satan is behind it. If we can understand this and realize that our addiction or habit is not who we really are, we can be empowered to change. We can realize who we really are as sons and daughters of God. We can understand that Satan can have no power over us unless we allow it and that with the help of a loving Father our divine nature can over come all. And as we then become open and honest with our problems, our Father and loving people around us can help.

I know that we can overcome anything through prayer and faith. Although it may seem impossible it can be done and it will be accomplished if we stick with it. A good friend told me recently that as we are going through major trials Heavenly Father isn't holding a big pot of gold for us at the end. He will leave smaller pots of gold along the way to bear us up and give us the strength and determination we need. Those pots of gold are the tender mercies of the Lord. I am grateful that I have recognized these tender mercies lately. Many of them coming through my amazing children :) Until next time........

A Thought

Today has been a struggle with my emotions as I battle with Satan. He bombards me with lies and manipulations all day every day. I am grateful for a loving God that has shown me, through many experiences over the last few months, the love that he has for me and all his children. I am just about to leave work and I had this thought:

The gospel takes us as people of the earth and refines us as people for eternities. All of the trials and tribulations we have are for that purpose. It may be beyond our understanding right now but we WILL have that understanding someday. We can find peace in knowing that we are being watched over and cared for by a patient, loving Heavenly Father who will not forsake us. Yes, at times, he allows us to suffer and be challenged beyond what we feel like we are capable of enduring. But it forces us to rely on our Savior. That knowledge brings peace and understanding.