Agency

The amazing blessing of agency has been on my mind a lot lately. Through this trial I am learning the importance of this gift that we all have. We have, in our power, the opportunity to make any decision and perform any act that we desire. Every moment of every day we use our free agency.

Sadly, in the past, I used my free agency to make bad decisions. I used this God given power to give in to the temptations of the world. Did God send some angel to me to stop me from making these decisions? No. That is why this gift is so POWERFUL. God allows us to make decisions for ourselves. He will send his spirit, he will make attempts to help us make the right decision, but it ultimately comes down to us. Thankfully, because of God's immense love for me, I have made the choice to follow him. Was it the easy choice? No it was not. It would have been easier to give up, to give in, to allow Satan to completely destroy me. It would be easier not to face this head on, not to repent, not to allow pain and anguish to fill my soul. It would be easier to run away and fill my life with worldly pleasures and cover up how I truly feel. It would be easier to blame someone else, be angry and bitter, and give in to the relentless attack from the adversary on my mind and soul. It would have been easier to give in to the naysayers, the put downs, and the condemning words of others. But I got on my knees, pleaded with God for his help, and have made the hard decision to change. I will tell you that as soon as you use your agency to make the decision to change something negative about your life, the Lord will manifest himself to you in ways you never thought possible. It is hard work and oh man is it painful. You will struggle and fight. You will sink to the depths and rise to the top. But your agency will have been used for good and you will begin to see change. Change that is essential. Change that is eternal.

I have a long road ahead of me still. I have obstacles on my path that will still test all of my spiritual and mental strength. My path to change is not an easy one. But it is worth it. It is so worth it. When I held my kids and squeezed them tonight I felt a love inside of me that changed me just a little more. When I took an experience that happened this week that could have set me way back and caused me immense pain, I faced it with hope and faith and I changed a little more. That's what using your free agency for good can do for you! I know that God is ready and willing to bless us as we use our agency to follow him and his Son. Anything is possible with the Savior. Anything. But we have to be willing to use our agency to make the right decision and face whatever it is that we have in front of us. No matter how hard it will be, it is always worth it to use our agency to make the right decision.

I know that God loves each and every one of us. He loves us so much he allows us to have our own free agency so that we can learn to rely on him to make the right decisions. And when we use that gift to make bad decisions, big or small, we can use that same gift to make the decision to follow the Savior and repent and change. Don't be afraid to take that step. Learn from my mistakes and make the decision NOW to change. Don't wait. More happiness is waiting for you. Your Heavenly Father is waiting for you. Change is waiting for you.

Someday, somehow, we will understand why things happen the way they do. We will understand why we have gone through certain trials or had certain experiences. We will have a clear understanding. In the mean time our free agency is a gift we can all use to do what is right, no matter how hard, and find peace and happiness in a world of turmoil and anger. I know this to be true.

Prepared

It seems as though there are many times in life when we have a great experience or blessing and it is followed by hardship. That has happened to me a lot over the past months. My great experiences would probably seem small to some people but for me they have been life changing. But it never fails that the adversary will follow these great experiences with a relentless attack on my heart and mind. Feelings of hopelessness and despair try to overcome me. Typically in the form of mind games. If I am not careful Satan and his lies can have an effect on me. That is why it has been so important that I am prepared for when this happens. There have definitely been times that I have not been as prepared enough or have allowed those thoughts of hopelessness to overcome me for a time. But I am learning from that and I am becoming better prepared.

These past couple days have been one of those times that I haven't prepared myself as well. It is hard, when you are going through a trial, to constantly be positive and upbeat. We will inevitably have some down days. But if we are prepared we will be able to overcome and move forward in our process. There are many things we can do to be prepared but I believe that the most important thing is having faith in the Savior that he can heal, change, and help you in whatever trial you are facing. We all face trials. We all feel the strain of sadness, fear, and uncertainty at times. I know that if we prepare ourselves with the Savior will can overcome anything that comes into our lives. Especially those difficult mental battles that come our way after special spiritual experiences. The fight for our souls is real and we can win with the Savior.

Decisions

This week I have been in South Dakota with my kids visiting my brother and his family. Yep, South Dakota in the dead of winter. Exciting stuff. His boy is going to be baptized today and we are looking forward to a special experience. I have enjoyed the time with my kids and we are bonding. I am grateful for family and for the good influences I have around me. I love being a dad.

I have been thinking a lot about decisions lately and how they effect our lives. Not so much the big decisions but the little ones along the way. Some decisions are so small we don't even realize we are making them. But they can have a long lasting effect on the outcome of our lives. I think it is safe to say that I have made some bad decisions. These bad decisions have lead to a lot of sadness and sorrow. But what I have noticed is that these bad decisions that I made have been the accumulation of many smaller bad decisions. Each day as we wake up and face the world we have a positive influence sitting on one shoulder and the negative influence on the other. Sometimes I like to literally picture that as I go throughout the day making decisions and fighting for what is right. We are constantly being bombarded with temptations from the negative influence. Constant whisperings try to lead us astray. If we are not careful, we can be lead down the wrong path by listening to these whisperings and making smaller bad decisions that will lead to eventual big ones. I am learning this lesson the hard way and I am hoping that my good decisions in the future will change the course of my life. I know that it is possible and that we will be blessed for our good decisions.

President Thomas S. Monson of the LDS church has said that "decisions determine destiny". The decisions we make everday will determine the outcome of our lives. I believe this to be true. The amazing thing about repentance and the need for a Savior is that no matter the decisions we have made in the past, we can change the course of our lives. We can make the right decisions. We can change who we are through consistently making right decisions.

I am grateful for my nephew and his good decision to be baptized today. I am grateful for his example to my kids and that we will all be able to witness this experience together. I hope and pray that my good decisions in the future will lead to what I desire most in this life. I pray that my good decisions will have a positive influence on my kids and on the people who I love. Let's decide now to make good decisions for the future.

Reality

When you come home at the end of a night to an empty home and no one to greet you, reality can really set in. I just went on a "date" with my precious 4 year old daughter. We went to dinner and to see Tangled (great movie by the way). We have a special connection and we talked and laughed and really enjoyed each others company. She told me that even when she is big enough to be a babysitter and a mommy she will always be my little girl :) It was a very special night. But coming home to an empty house is very hard. No matter what, the reality of what has happened is waiting for me every night I walk through the door. Every morning I wake up it is there waiting for me to remind me of what I have lost. Every waking hour, my mind haunts me with reality.

I'm not trying to be a downer by saying this but more than anything I am trying to face reality with the best attitude I can. My reality is something I can't change right now. The only thing I can do is take life one day at a time and try my hardest to make the most of it. If I can consistently make good choices and have true change in my heart, my reality will get better. Our actions determine our destiny. The Lord is eager to bless those that are obedient, even when our decisions in the past have been contrary to his law. We are allowed to suffer consequences so that we will learn and grow how we need to. And if we truly want to change, it will become our reality.

Sometimes it is hard to overcome the feelings of loneliness. Being alone can be one of the most challenging experiences in life. Especially when people you love are no longer with you. You really have to try and focus on feeling the Lord's love in your life and searching out his blessings. We are never alone and this I am sure of. The Lord is very active in your life. The adversary is very active as well so it is so important we keep our minds and hearts fixed on Savior and his teachings.

There are so many things I wish I could say or do that would immediately change my reality. So many things I want to say to people I love. How I wish I could have certain people see into my heart. But I have to trust in the Lord and do everything I can to make my reality the best it can be. I believe that if we want something bad enough and if we work hard enough for it, it will become our reality.

The struggles along the way will shape us into the people we want to be.

New Year

This year we will be studying the New Testament in Sunday School. The LDS ward that I am a part of is like another family for me, so being able to learn about the Savior's life with them is a very rewarding experience. They have all been through many trials and their wisdom and understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ has played a big role in my healing. I am grateful to the amazing people in my ward.

This year I will be trying to focus on the tender mercies of the Lord in my life and in the life of those around me. I am often beating myself up over the things that I have done and the pain I have caused. My mind torments me with reminders of my mistakes and of my family I have torn apart. I often feel as though I can never be forgiven and that the damage I have caused is not repairable. Thankfully, a loving Savior is helping me to realize that those thoughts are not coming from him and that they just aren't true. The Savior allows you to feel the pain and guilt necessary for change, but he also allows his immense love to show itself in your life and to help you feel peace and happiness. I thought that it would be impossible for me to feel any happiness because of what I have done. But, through the the tender mercies of the Lord, I have been able to feel peace and joy amidst the anguish and despair. It is amazing how well the Savior knows us and how active he is in each of our lives. We just have to be able to really focus on it so that we can recognize it.

My trial, and any trial for that matter, is not easy. I am battling it every day. I am on a road to recovery that is filled with obstacles. There are many influences every day that could either drag me down or build me up. But one thing that I have noticed that has helped more than anything is letting Heavenly Father know that you are willing to change and that it is your true desire. Just acknowledging that is a HUGE step. If you are struggling with a personal trial, the first step is acknowledging it and then truly having the desire to change. If you are struggling with a trial that was not brought on by yourself, then acknowledging that you want to make it through the trial and that you can't do it without the help of your Savior will do wonders for you. That simple acknowledgement will open up the floodgates for the Spirit to work miracles in your life and help you through anything. Saying this is the easy part. Putting it into action can be very difficult. I know that it can be done and I have seen many tender mercies from the Lord because of it.

I know that we have a Savior that lives and that his Atonement can help heal anything that is going on in our lives. I know that when we take the step to try and turn our lives over to him we will see and feel his love abundantly. I have a long ways to go in my trial and many more obstacles to overcome. But I know that the Savior can ease our burdens and bring us much needed peace. In a talk by Elder Scott, he said that the Atonement can help you "start over again and change your course from a downward, twisting, disappointing path to a superhighway to peace and happiness." That is very comforting and I know that it is true. Here's to a new year and new opportunities to change, grow, and become better.

Gratitude

During trials like this, it can be hard to find things to be grateful for. Well, I should say, it can be hard to overcome the negative and the pain to be able to recognize the things to be grateful for. Thankfully we have Christmas to help us out with this. I would like to share a couple experiences with you.

The company I work for helped out with some Sub For Santa families this year. I volunteered to deliver gifts to one of the families. They were a hispanic family and I figured it would be a good opportunity for me to brush up on my spanish and to serve others. I invited a good friend from work to go with me and we delivered the gifts late Wed. night. It ended up being one of those tender mercy experiences as we sat in their home and talked about the hardships they were going through and how blessed they felt to receive the gifts for their children. They were very humble and grateful people. One thing that stuck out to me was this couple's attitude. Amidst the struggle of losing their business and having no money, they were humble enough to be grateful and enthusiastic about the future. It allowed me to take a look at my own life and see the tremendous blessings I have. If I were to take just five minutes and write down the blessings I have, I would have pages and pages of them. Although my personal situation is extremely hard and painful, I have been trying to focus on the positive and recognize the blessings in my life. This has helped me a lot over the past week. When you focus on the positive you will be amazed at what you see. You recognize more. You are more grateful. It sustains you through difficult times.

I saw Christmas in a new light this year and I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with certain experiences. Time and time again through my trial the Lord has let me know that he is there and he is watching over me. He is allowing me to learn and feel what I need to but he is also sending me tender mercies to lift me up and allow me to push forward.

I feel so much guilt for my actions. I have caused so much pain to people I love dearly. I am trying everything in my power to change. The burden, at times, feels as though it will drown me. But amazingly, and without fail, the Lord has shown me he is there and he cares so much for me and those I love. And usually it comes through him helping me to recognize his tender mercies and to be GRATEFUL for them. I was blessed with a few Christmas "miracles" this year that I know without a doubt were direct blessings from a loving Heavenly Father. I know he listens to and answers our prayers. I know that he is a compassionate and loving God who is waiting for us to come to him.

I am grateful for our Savior and Redeemer who came to this world as a sacrifice. He is our Mediator. It is only through his Atonement that we can all can truly be forgiven, healed, and return to God's presence. I know this to be true. If I only I had kept this testimony close enough to my heart I may have avoided the situation I am in now. Never let your guard down. Don't think for a moment that Satan has stopped trying. Keep the Savior close to your heart and mind at all times. I plead with you to avoid the pain and anguish by deciding beforehand to never let Satan overpower you.

If any of you are struggling with something right now, go to your knees and ask for help to recognize the blessings in your life and go forward with a grateful heart and attitude. Ok, I have rambled on enough. Make tomorrow a grateful one. Merry Christmas.

Time

This weekend I came down to St. George with my sister and her family. I brought Hallie and Ty with me. It has been enjoyable so far, especially for the kids. The kids and I have really been able to bond lately and they are a great strength to me. Obviously, I have put them in a very confusing situation and they have been handling it amazingly well. I am just trying to be the best I can be as a father and I am praying for the best and for the will of the Lord to manifest itself in our lives. I have hopes and dreams for my family but I know the Lord is in charge. All I can do is my best.

Situations like these take time. I have caused pain to people I love. One person in particular I love so much, and only time will tell. I am learning to try and take it one day at a time and do my best to WIN each day. In all reality, the only thing I can control is myself. Whenever you put yourself out there and come clean, there will obviously be a lot of backlash. Yes, if you make bad decisions, people will be hurt. You will inevitably suffer the consequences of your actions. It will be a long, painful, almost unbearable process to reclaim what you have lost and to get back to where you need to be. I have a long ways to go in this process still. But I will say this: IT IS WORTH IT. The time is now. If you are struggling with anything, large or small, get it out and start reclaiming your life. Although it is extremely painful and uncomfortable, you will feel empowered as you come clean and begin to change your life. Your Heavenly Father and loved ones are ready and waiting to help in the process. I cannot deny the love I have felt from Heavenly Father. He is so aware of me and He wants to bless and strengthen me. You will be amazed as you see the hand of the Lord in your life.

Is this the hardest and most difficult thing I can imagine? Is it a struggle that challenges me to the point of giving up? Can the temptations of addiction, thoughts of losing my family forever, pain of guilt, feelings of sorrow, and complete desperation, bring me to the breaking point? The answer is YES. But it brings me to my knees and is allowing for true change to happen. And like I said before IT IS WORTH IT. I don't know what the future holds but I know that through my honesty, obedience, and complete reliance on the Savior, everything can be made right again. TIME..........