Prepared

It seems as though there are many times in life when we have a great experience or blessing and it is followed by hardship. That has happened to me a lot over the past months. My great experiences would probably seem small to some people but for me they have been life changing. But it never fails that the adversary will follow these great experiences with a relentless attack on my heart and mind. Feelings of hopelessness and despair try to overcome me. Typically in the form of mind games. If I am not careful Satan and his lies can have an effect on me. That is why it has been so important that I am prepared for when this happens. There have definitely been times that I have not been as prepared enough or have allowed those thoughts of hopelessness to overcome me for a time. But I am learning from that and I am becoming better prepared.

These past couple days have been one of those times that I haven't prepared myself as well. It is hard, when you are going through a trial, to constantly be positive and upbeat. We will inevitably have some down days. But if we are prepared we will be able to overcome and move forward in our process. There are many things we can do to be prepared but I believe that the most important thing is having faith in the Savior that he can heal, change, and help you in whatever trial you are facing. We all face trials. We all feel the strain of sadness, fear, and uncertainty at times. I know that if we prepare ourselves with the Savior will can overcome anything that comes into our lives. Especially those difficult mental battles that come our way after special spiritual experiences. The fight for our souls is real and we can win with the Savior.

Decisions

This week I have been in South Dakota with my kids visiting my brother and his family. Yep, South Dakota in the dead of winter. Exciting stuff. His boy is going to be baptized today and we are looking forward to a special experience. I have enjoyed the time with my kids and we are bonding. I am grateful for family and for the good influences I have around me. I love being a dad.

I have been thinking a lot about decisions lately and how they effect our lives. Not so much the big decisions but the little ones along the way. Some decisions are so small we don't even realize we are making them. But they can have a long lasting effect on the outcome of our lives. I think it is safe to say that I have made some bad decisions. These bad decisions have lead to a lot of sadness and sorrow. But what I have noticed is that these bad decisions that I made have been the accumulation of many smaller bad decisions. Each day as we wake up and face the world we have a positive influence sitting on one shoulder and the negative influence on the other. Sometimes I like to literally picture that as I go throughout the day making decisions and fighting for what is right. We are constantly being bombarded with temptations from the negative influence. Constant whisperings try to lead us astray. If we are not careful, we can be lead down the wrong path by listening to these whisperings and making smaller bad decisions that will lead to eventual big ones. I am learning this lesson the hard way and I am hoping that my good decisions in the future will change the course of my life. I know that it is possible and that we will be blessed for our good decisions.

President Thomas S. Monson of the LDS church has said that "decisions determine destiny". The decisions we make everday will determine the outcome of our lives. I believe this to be true. The amazing thing about repentance and the need for a Savior is that no matter the decisions we have made in the past, we can change the course of our lives. We can make the right decisions. We can change who we are through consistently making right decisions.

I am grateful for my nephew and his good decision to be baptized today. I am grateful for his example to my kids and that we will all be able to witness this experience together. I hope and pray that my good decisions in the future will lead to what I desire most in this life. I pray that my good decisions will have a positive influence on my kids and on the people who I love. Let's decide now to make good decisions for the future.

Reality

When you come home at the end of a night to an empty home and no one to greet you, reality can really set in. I just went on a "date" with my precious 4 year old daughter. We went to dinner and to see Tangled (great movie by the way). We have a special connection and we talked and laughed and really enjoyed each others company. She told me that even when she is big enough to be a babysitter and a mommy she will always be my little girl :) It was a very special night. But coming home to an empty house is very hard. No matter what, the reality of what has happened is waiting for me every night I walk through the door. Every morning I wake up it is there waiting for me to remind me of what I have lost. Every waking hour, my mind haunts me with reality.

I'm not trying to be a downer by saying this but more than anything I am trying to face reality with the best attitude I can. My reality is something I can't change right now. The only thing I can do is take life one day at a time and try my hardest to make the most of it. If I can consistently make good choices and have true change in my heart, my reality will get better. Our actions determine our destiny. The Lord is eager to bless those that are obedient, even when our decisions in the past have been contrary to his law. We are allowed to suffer consequences so that we will learn and grow how we need to. And if we truly want to change, it will become our reality.

Sometimes it is hard to overcome the feelings of loneliness. Being alone can be one of the most challenging experiences in life. Especially when people you love are no longer with you. You really have to try and focus on feeling the Lord's love in your life and searching out his blessings. We are never alone and this I am sure of. The Lord is very active in your life. The adversary is very active as well so it is so important we keep our minds and hearts fixed on Savior and his teachings.

There are so many things I wish I could say or do that would immediately change my reality. So many things I want to say to people I love. How I wish I could have certain people see into my heart. But I have to trust in the Lord and do everything I can to make my reality the best it can be. I believe that if we want something bad enough and if we work hard enough for it, it will become our reality.

The struggles along the way will shape us into the people we want to be.

New Year

This year we will be studying the New Testament in Sunday School. The LDS ward that I am a part of is like another family for me, so being able to learn about the Savior's life with them is a very rewarding experience. They have all been through many trials and their wisdom and understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ has played a big role in my healing. I am grateful to the amazing people in my ward.

This year I will be trying to focus on the tender mercies of the Lord in my life and in the life of those around me. I am often beating myself up over the things that I have done and the pain I have caused. My mind torments me with reminders of my mistakes and of my family I have torn apart. I often feel as though I can never be forgiven and that the damage I have caused is not repairable. Thankfully, a loving Savior is helping me to realize that those thoughts are not coming from him and that they just aren't true. The Savior allows you to feel the pain and guilt necessary for change, but he also allows his immense love to show itself in your life and to help you feel peace and happiness. I thought that it would be impossible for me to feel any happiness because of what I have done. But, through the the tender mercies of the Lord, I have been able to feel peace and joy amidst the anguish and despair. It is amazing how well the Savior knows us and how active he is in each of our lives. We just have to be able to really focus on it so that we can recognize it.

My trial, and any trial for that matter, is not easy. I am battling it every day. I am on a road to recovery that is filled with obstacles. There are many influences every day that could either drag me down or build me up. But one thing that I have noticed that has helped more than anything is letting Heavenly Father know that you are willing to change and that it is your true desire. Just acknowledging that is a HUGE step. If you are struggling with a personal trial, the first step is acknowledging it and then truly having the desire to change. If you are struggling with a trial that was not brought on by yourself, then acknowledging that you want to make it through the trial and that you can't do it without the help of your Savior will do wonders for you. That simple acknowledgement will open up the floodgates for the Spirit to work miracles in your life and help you through anything. Saying this is the easy part. Putting it into action can be very difficult. I know that it can be done and I have seen many tender mercies from the Lord because of it.

I know that we have a Savior that lives and that his Atonement can help heal anything that is going on in our lives. I know that when we take the step to try and turn our lives over to him we will see and feel his love abundantly. I have a long ways to go in my trial and many more obstacles to overcome. But I know that the Savior can ease our burdens and bring us much needed peace. In a talk by Elder Scott, he said that the Atonement can help you "start over again and change your course from a downward, twisting, disappointing path to a superhighway to peace and happiness." That is very comforting and I know that it is true. Here's to a new year and new opportunities to change, grow, and become better.

Gratitude

During trials like this, it can be hard to find things to be grateful for. Well, I should say, it can be hard to overcome the negative and the pain to be able to recognize the things to be grateful for. Thankfully we have Christmas to help us out with this. I would like to share a couple experiences with you.

The company I work for helped out with some Sub For Santa families this year. I volunteered to deliver gifts to one of the families. They were a hispanic family and I figured it would be a good opportunity for me to brush up on my spanish and to serve others. I invited a good friend from work to go with me and we delivered the gifts late Wed. night. It ended up being one of those tender mercy experiences as we sat in their home and talked about the hardships they were going through and how blessed they felt to receive the gifts for their children. They were very humble and grateful people. One thing that stuck out to me was this couple's attitude. Amidst the struggle of losing their business and having no money, they were humble enough to be grateful and enthusiastic about the future. It allowed me to take a look at my own life and see the tremendous blessings I have. If I were to take just five minutes and write down the blessings I have, I would have pages and pages of them. Although my personal situation is extremely hard and painful, I have been trying to focus on the positive and recognize the blessings in my life. This has helped me a lot over the past week. When you focus on the positive you will be amazed at what you see. You recognize more. You are more grateful. It sustains you through difficult times.

I saw Christmas in a new light this year and I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with certain experiences. Time and time again through my trial the Lord has let me know that he is there and he is watching over me. He is allowing me to learn and feel what I need to but he is also sending me tender mercies to lift me up and allow me to push forward.

I feel so much guilt for my actions. I have caused so much pain to people I love dearly. I am trying everything in my power to change. The burden, at times, feels as though it will drown me. But amazingly, and without fail, the Lord has shown me he is there and he cares so much for me and those I love. And usually it comes through him helping me to recognize his tender mercies and to be GRATEFUL for them. I was blessed with a few Christmas "miracles" this year that I know without a doubt were direct blessings from a loving Heavenly Father. I know he listens to and answers our prayers. I know that he is a compassionate and loving God who is waiting for us to come to him.

I am grateful for our Savior and Redeemer who came to this world as a sacrifice. He is our Mediator. It is only through his Atonement that we can all can truly be forgiven, healed, and return to God's presence. I know this to be true. If I only I had kept this testimony close enough to my heart I may have avoided the situation I am in now. Never let your guard down. Don't think for a moment that Satan has stopped trying. Keep the Savior close to your heart and mind at all times. I plead with you to avoid the pain and anguish by deciding beforehand to never let Satan overpower you.

If any of you are struggling with something right now, go to your knees and ask for help to recognize the blessings in your life and go forward with a grateful heart and attitude. Ok, I have rambled on enough. Make tomorrow a grateful one. Merry Christmas.

Time

This weekend I came down to St. George with my sister and her family. I brought Hallie and Ty with me. It has been enjoyable so far, especially for the kids. The kids and I have really been able to bond lately and they are a great strength to me. Obviously, I have put them in a very confusing situation and they have been handling it amazingly well. I am just trying to be the best I can be as a father and I am praying for the best and for the will of the Lord to manifest itself in our lives. I have hopes and dreams for my family but I know the Lord is in charge. All I can do is my best.

Situations like these take time. I have caused pain to people I love. One person in particular I love so much, and only time will tell. I am learning to try and take it one day at a time and do my best to WIN each day. In all reality, the only thing I can control is myself. Whenever you put yourself out there and come clean, there will obviously be a lot of backlash. Yes, if you make bad decisions, people will be hurt. You will inevitably suffer the consequences of your actions. It will be a long, painful, almost unbearable process to reclaim what you have lost and to get back to where you need to be. I have a long ways to go in this process still. But I will say this: IT IS WORTH IT. The time is now. If you are struggling with anything, large or small, get it out and start reclaiming your life. Although it is extremely painful and uncomfortable, you will feel empowered as you come clean and begin to change your life. Your Heavenly Father and loved ones are ready and waiting to help in the process. I cannot deny the love I have felt from Heavenly Father. He is so aware of me and He wants to bless and strengthen me. You will be amazed as you see the hand of the Lord in your life.

Is this the hardest and most difficult thing I can imagine? Is it a struggle that challenges me to the point of giving up? Can the temptations of addiction, thoughts of losing my family forever, pain of guilt, feelings of sorrow, and complete desperation, bring me to the breaking point? The answer is YES. But it brings me to my knees and is allowing for true change to happen. And like I said before IT IS WORTH IT. I don't know what the future holds but I know that through my honesty, obedience, and complete reliance on the Savior, everything can be made right again. TIME..........

Patience

Tonight is one of those nights I just can't get to sleep. So much on my mind. The battle that is waging inside my head is usually exhausting. But tonight it is keeping me up so I decided to write a quick post.

Patience is a virtue that I have trouble with. I am learning quickly that my time table for life is way off. I am struggling with an addiction that requires patience to overcome. I am facing a trial with my family that is so difficult I wish I could fall asleep until it was over. But what good would that do me? What would I learn? I know that I need to learn patience and put my complete trust in God. I have my hopes and desires that I plead with the Lord about every day. But more than anything I need to pray for patience and trust in the Lord. Patience allows us to endure our trials. Patience allows us to change. I pray everyday that I may be able to change and be the man that I know I can be and that those who love me need me to be.

I know that that God is watching over all of us. His son Jesus Christ suffered not only for our individual sins, but every temptation and trial we will ever have. How comforting is that! We just need to bear our trials with patience. And hope that the atonement can and will heal.

I will never give up. I will push forward. I have what it takes. I hope and pray those to whom I have caused pain may feel comfort in the Savior. I hope that someday, somehow, things may be restored through the atonement. I looked at Hallie and TyTy's faces today and I felt a deep sense of love and an inner desire to be the best I can be. Patience is the key..........