This past weekend I had a pretty incredible experience I wanted to share. It was incredible because it brought such a mix of emotions that ultimately changed my life for the better. I hope it can help us all reflect on our own lives and how we react to the experiences we encounter.
I have spoken in the past about my biological father. When I was about 18 months old he left my mom and 3 kids. I was the youngest and have no memories of him from that time. Although it was an extremely challenging time for my mom, she has never spoken poorly of him. The strength and courage of my mom is a story for another day. Today I want to talk about how this experience has ended up bringing me great joy.
After he left, we were never to see from him again. I can remember three times in my life when I was able to communicate with him. I remember a birthday call when I was maybe 7 or 8, I spoke to him when my oldest daughter was born, and he replied to an email once. But I never met him face to face. I have a few pictures of him so I at least can see some physical similarities. For my entire life he has entered my mind at times and I have always had a lot of questions surrounding him leaving. It wasn't until I was a grown man with kids of my own until I finally arrived at a good place mentally and spiritually about it. It's incredible how powerful the need of a father, or at least a father figure, can be in a person's life. I know that many people have gone through similar family situations and my point today isn't to rehash. It's to help us all make the most of what we have been given and appreciate our challenges for how they shape us.
A couple months back, through some family history work, our family discovered a death certificate for a man with the same name, birthdate, and the last state we knew him to reside. The death certificate was dated 2011. To confirm this my brother sent off for a copy of the death certificate so that we could confirm it's validity. Sure enough, while I was sitting in church this past Sunday with my family, an email came through from my brother with a copy of the death certificate. At that moment I immediately felt sadness. My biological father had passed away 5 years ago and we had no idea. From what we can tell from the certificate he died alone in his home with no family around him. There were a lot of "unknown" boxes checked on his certificate.
It's important to note that I'm not angry at this situation. I don't harbor any ill feelings. I don't wish to speak poorly of him. But I feel it's important to note the feelings that came to me after the sadness settled in. At that moment I looked down the row and saw my beautiful kids sitting quietly (maybe the first time ever) and I was overwhelmed with joy. This particular day our whole family was fasting for a sister in law who's baby was recently diagnosed with some possible serious health complications. We had a conversation with the kids the night before about it and they all agreed to participate in the fast. Seeing them sitting there next to me and participating with us brought everything in to perspective.
Next I was filled with gratitude. Although my father was not there for me, I could be there for my kids. I have always promised myself I would be the father I never had and on Sunday I felt in my heart that I was being that father. I felt grateful for all of the challenges I have had in my life because they have shaped me in to who I am today. I have deep love for my kids BECAUSE of my trials. I am a better father and husband because of the pain of certain experiences. I don't have to allow the past to repeat itself, but rather allow it to make me a better person.
We have all been given certain challenges that have helped define who we are and what the future will hold. The key is allowing these challenges to make us better human beings. Now I'm no saint, but I am grateful I am allowing some pretty tough experiences to make me better. I hope my experiences can help others. I hope we all will allow our experiences to help us love better, live better, and be more grateful.
Lastly, as parents, I think sometimes we don't realize the impact we are having on the future of our children. Love them, help them, teach them. Make the most of it, no matter your circumstances.
Love you all!
Matt
